Friday, September 11, 2015

Owning yourself!

Have you ever been in a situation where you didn't feel good enough, that you always felt that you needed the approval of other people to validate yourself? Don't worry I did too.
At one point in our lives or another, we all felt the need to seek validation from another, whether it was from parents, friends, siblings, or even our partner. We need this validation so that we feel worthy, to feel that we are good enough. And the truth is we are.
So why don't we believe it? Why cant we just bluntly admit to ourselves that we are good enough? What thoughts, ideas and beliefs have we adopted that tells us we are anything but?
We've all heard this a thousand times that its the tv and media that have an influence over us, and their right it does, but so do the thousands of other influences all around us, our environment, our beliefs, our fears, or peers we are all influenced by everything.
We may not realize it, but we are taking in thousand upon thousands message units a day that influence our beliefs and behaviors, and what we turn into is the beliefs that we will form.
So if you are looking on instagram, facebook, snapchat, and view the profiles of others doing better then you, reassure yourself that, that is okay. Why? Because I said so! No just kidding because you don't know their life style, their upbringing, their insecurities, their financial stature, you are comparing yourself to an illusion of something that isn't real. Although it seems to be real, its actually not its ideas that you have formed in your head about a person.
They may have had it easier than you, they may have had a family that has been supportive, financial wealthy or stable, they adopted beliefs that encourage them to be who they want to be. And then you look at yourself, and examine your situation.
Take me for example, coming from a dysfunctional lower-middle class family, one drug induced parent who suffers from depression, ADD and bipolar disorder, where I had been mental, verbally and sometimes physically abused.
As a child we seek validation because we are still forming our identity, and the only truth that we know is the truth we are taught by our parents, then later from our friends and external family.
But what if your parents were like mine, and not the parents that encourage and improve your self esteem? What if they belittled, neglected or even abandoned you. In this case you would most likely need to seek more validation from others, to understand your worth because you were not taught or conditioned to this type of behavior so you develop your own behavior to do so.
Do you ever wonder why the people that seek more attention are the ones that are known as the "players" in regards to relationships? Did you ever really understand why they behaved in this manner, probably not. Because once you got involved with them, they would most likely gain your attention and validation any way they could and then, leave you in misery thinking you've done something wrong.
Actually that's not the case, think about it, think about a time where you were involved in a relationship or friendship and you knew a person that was consistently in and out of relationships, going onto the next catch. Its because they are seeking validation from a multitude of others as in many, not just one, to build their self worth.
Now go a little deeper into their lifestyle, what did their parents do? how did they act? Did they build them up? or did they neglect them? where the parents to self-absorbed or did they acknowledge their children, did you even meet them? As much as you think their behavior has something to do with you and your unworthiness, it actually doesn't, their problems are their problems.
But that allows me to reveal something deeper, what is it that's in you that attracts people of this stature, people that feel unworthy and seek validation? Was their a time, when you were still developing yourself, and compared yourself to others that made you feel unworthy or unattractive or even incompetent? There probably was, because everyone has experienced that type of situation were they were not completely at their best. And at the moment when you lower yourself worth, you will attract people or partners that also make you feel unworthy.
I know, I've been in this situation many a times. Because of my lifestyle I mentioned earlier I grew up feeling, unworthy, unwanted, rejected. I rebelled, because I didn't want to associate with my mother, I didn't believe she was a solid source or foundation for my identity. She wasn't someone I admired or respected, here was a person that was suppose to love you unconditionally but they didn't even love themselves, so they didn't know how to reciprocate it to her children. I pitted her and then soon felt sorry.
But because of her I didn't understand the true essence of what love was, in fairy tales its happiness, love, laughter, growth, support and encourage, I had none of that. Because of her, I was conditioned to love as not being accepted, feeling rejected, unworthy, not good enough, depressed, stress, worry, anxious. As a child, I didn't know the difference, I just knew what I knew, and that was the absolute truth. Love was to feel unworthy and anxious, always being kept on your toes with uncertainty. The only way to win at love was to be the person that made others feel unworthy.
And that's what I did in many relationships, I grew an egotistical mentally that I was in charge, that I was the prize, I became a "player". I went through relationship one week after another, once I got their validation I would drop them and leave. I didn't care to get to know them, cause I got what I wanted, I needed them for one thing, making myself feel worthy.
I didn't like or understand the idea that I needed validation from one person, to me validation from one could end up in rejection, abandoned or feeling unworthy, so I continued to keep the momentum, and would move from one to the next.
It was win I got my heart broken, I shifted one the losing side. I treated a man so poorly, that when he stood up to me, I felt all those same issues I felt with my mother. And I swore not treat anybody or let them feel the pain I endured.
After that it was a endless whirlwind of unworthiness, each relationship I went it after, I felt unworthy, I felt I wasn't good enough, my insecurities would come out, and I would over think the shit out of them.
I closed up, and became a commitment phobe, if I tried to take any action I would over think everything in fear of getting hurt and rejected, that left me stagnant.  I got into relationship, that I would sabotage or find partners that had the capability of making meteel more unworthy. And from them, are the people I would seek my most validation.
It was when I made the decision for myself that "I am worthy" that things started to change. Its also identifying patterns, and recognizing that most experiences that we faced had nothing to do with us, but rather it was other peoples insecurities, that they deflected or reflected onto us.
That people externally from self do not give us validation, they are there as an example, they are there for our external experience, and from them we learn and we grow.
Looking back on my mother, and my ex-ternal partners, they were there for me to experience my worth or what I thought it to be at that time. They were there externally from me, meaning whatever their felt or experienced themselves had nothing to do with me, but how they felt about themselves, also internally testing their own worth.
When I started to recognize and become neutral to these experiences, they no longer affected me, I no longer needed their validation. I no longer wanted anything from them, because I had everything I needed inside of me..
I was no longer looking externally for validation, I grew the mentally that "if they can't validate themselves, what makes them think they can validate me?" It in a sense made them adopt a little arrogance,  but to my conditioned beliefs, that's how I win. I make myself feel worthy, but this time, I didn't need to make someone else feel unworthy to feel this way.
Looking in the mirror repeating the same affirmation that "I am worthy" allowed me to feel my self worth, slow at first then over time, it became a belief that I live for this very day.
It is a choice that we make within ourselves that will shift us from one reality to the next. But one choice, action, or thought we have the ability to change our lives. We must first recognize what it is that we don't want to understand what we do.  
I no longer wanted someone to tell me my worth, I wanted to define it myself. By making this choice, the opinions of others cease to exist, my happiness, love, and worth grew. And yours can do the same, but the first thing you must do is make the choice to do so.
No one can validate you, but YOU.

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